silver lining

i've spent the last few months scared
scared to face hard truths
scared to say out loud that we might never have kids
scared i'm not doing the "right thing" with my art lessons (sometimes their work is just not good)
scared i'm a bad teacher, scared i'm a bad wife
scared to exercise, scared to get off the carb train
scared to laugh or smile
scared to cry
scared to "loose it"
scared i've lost all faith

an now that i am facing all these fears
saying them out loud

little silver linings are popping up

i got good feedback from a surprising source about my kids artwork and my teaching
my boss sent me the message below.... the magnitude of the relevance of this to my life right now is too amazing to comprehend

Psalm 107:9'For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness.'

- God alone can satisfy the deep longings of your heart.
- The longings of your heart are important to Him.
- He wants to meet you at the point of your need.
- The Lord has good things to satisfy your hunger and longing.

image from here

to blog or not to blog

my almost 34 year old self is not in a good place
we went through the unspeakable pain, doubt and torture that is the first round of IVF
this lady describes it perfectly; it's not an easy read but it's totally accurate: faithfulinfertile
i still cant really talk about it
i have been shaken to my core
and come a bit undone
my thoughts are dark
my desires darker still
and my faith in a puddle at my feet

this weekend dear husband made a little progress is getting "me" back
just by being sweet and loving
he deserves so much more....

so on to the question of the day...
to blog or not to blog?
share my pinterest boards
and use this cyber space to upload, unload download or die
or this quote, from here
i guess we'll see

A week away in JHB! Was absolutely amazing

YIPPIE KI YAY

We had a DIE HARD Valentines Day!

I made cards from these posters with loving words and yummy treats.

'Cos you be my valentine bitch! 

 Will you be my Valentine?

8am-8pm

working three jobs
- swim school 8am - 3pm
-swimming coach at primary school 3pm-7pm
- cook, cleaner, maid.... 8pm or until the chores are done

so far haven't made a cent

and my ears hurt

for what exactly?

for W

so that he cant say i'm lazy, so that I don't have to ask him for things I need, so that I can contribute

but the price I am paying is astronomical

my sanity, health, peace of mind, soundness of soul... they get chipped away at every day

I want to stomp around in the daisies ~ sigh

Doing things

Now that we finally have a car again its so lovely to say, lets do ________ thing.
Plus the car has lots of lovely icy cold aircon air!! the heat and humidity is enough to make anyone cranky, and I have been on crank alert for days now, my temper is short, my patience is zero, I am having very mean and horrible and selfish thoughts, feeling very hard done by
but why?
hormones? hard work? stress?
probably a bit of it all

I really don't feel "understood" by anyone

we went for a drive to the South of Durban, some people from W's work have joined a paintball league, he wants to join but I said lets first go see what it is like, what the set up is, what the people are like... before putting down another fortune in TOYS
(yip, that also makes me mad and cranky!)
they were very well organized, friendly and it seemed a fun atmosphere
I could happily sit under a big tree with my kindle while he shoots stuff... or join in.... maybe shooting the **** out of something will relive some stress?

we then finally got to do something I have been wanting to do for ages.... go to the Durban Natural Science Museum. I know the Cape Town one like the back of my hand, and spent many a happy day in London's

will do a post a bout the interior another day, and share more pics from architecture outside
but look how pretty...

just regular old happy snaps....
would love to have the time to play with filters
will put it on my To Do List for the week
oh heck its almost Monday morning!
I have to sleep!

a girl's gotta talk

recently inspired by a friend's reflective daily writings, I think I'd like to get some more of "me" down.
maybe I will see things more clearly, maybe I will more easily count my blessings, maybe the universe will send kindness and understanding my way, maybe it will just make me feel better

today I worked, fell asleep waiting for hubby to make me a cup of coffee, woke up from hour nap, read latest issue of Readers Digest...

* note to self: Sugar is Poison to your system!

...and I have spent the last 4 hours sending my CV to every recruiting agency, private school, government depart, museum, library and science center in the greater Durban area....

looking for work is in itself a full time job

in the back of my mind though all I want to do is walk a dog! my puppy craving is getting bad.

this beautiful image is from HearvestHeart